Tag Archives: doctors

Choo Choo

12 Jul

One of the things (and there are many) that fill me with ragey “I’m gonna punch this douche canoe in his motherfuckingthomas-480x320 face” urges is when doctors and nurses ask moms questions while they’re in the middle of contractions.

AND THEN GET ANNOYED WHEN SHE WON’T ANSWER THEM RIGHT AWAY.

Lololololol!

Listen, Nurse Ratched. If you think this woman gives a fuck about pleasing your pompous, entitled, annoying ass self and tell you her pre-pregnancy weight and her mother’s cousin’s uncle’s maiden name while she’s getting LITERALLY (ok maybe not literally) run over a freight train for 60 seconds every 2-3 minutes, you are cordially invited to go to hell.

Didn’t she give you all this information when she pre-registered? Do you KNOW how birth works? Are you familiar with the concept of “labor”? Seriously. Shut the fuck up, go look in her chart, and let her birth her baby in peace.

Asshole.

by P

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Back the fuck up, I know what I’m doing

12 Jul

I love my job. I love my clients. You know what I don’t love? When the hospital thinks they own you and your fucking baby!

 

Here’s the deal. You are pregnant, you hire some doctor to make sure you are healthy and your baby is healthy and ensure that you get through these precious moments without dying. That’s all your doctor really cares about! If keep-calm-and-don-t-kill-patients-3you and your baby are alive at the end of this whole thing, you doctor walks away feeling like the fucking shit, and never looks back again. Seriously. Do you really think your doctor gives a shit about your emotional well being, or how you are going to feel after they slice you open because your 8lb baby is too big for your small fucking pelvis? NO! They don’t care!!

 

Ok so you have your baby, both you and your baby make it out alive, your doctor makes his 5 minute appearance to feel like the star of the fucking show, congratulates you and goes off to show his skills in the next room. Now what? Well now you have a baby, and all the nurses, and the nursery staff and who ever else needed to be there to watch your doctor be the hero, start telling you what needs to happen next. Man that pisses me off!

 

Do you realize how fucking hard you just worked to birth this human baby product_8187_largeout of your vagina, or how fucking awesome you are for agreeing to let your doctor cut your 8lb baby out of your small ass pelvis (even though, you probably would have done just fine if anyone had any fucking confidence in your body)? You’re the fucking star of the show!! You! Not your doctor! Now in an instant you become a mother, to a real living breathing human. And you know what? You get a say in what happens to the living person you just spent 9 month growing and perfecting and birthing. You!

 

The hospital does not own your baby. They don’t get to dictate what happens. You are the mother, the grower and the nourisher of this little tiny being. Nothing worse than a nurse all high on her horse saying, “ok sweetie, we’re just going to take baby to the nursery for his bath, and eyes and thighs, and get him all wrapped up for you.”  BULLSHIT!! You are the mother, and your baby needs you. Your baby needs to be cuddled and nursed, who care’s if it’s covered in vagina juice, it’s the cutest fucking baby in the entire fucking world, and YOU created it!!!

 

Here’s something else I hear. Well, his sugar levels are a bit low, and he has a bit of jaundice, so we need to give him formula. UM NOOOOOOOOOO!!! Don’t do it! Formula is not the answer. Do you know what is the answer? NURSE, 1012NURSE, NURSE. It’s good for you, your healing, your baby, your supply, your bonding and it’s the best way to regulate your baby. Who decided that feeding your baby a fucking science project was the best way to regulate a body that you created? That sounds like a fucking money maker to me!! I wonder if the hospitals have some sort of agreement with the formula companies…..OH YA THEY DOOO!

 

Seriously, your baby needs you. It’s not fucking rocket science. Your baby has spent the last 9 months with you, 24 hours a day, hearing your voice, your heart beat. You are his mother. You are his protector. You!! The hospital does not own your fucking baby, and 3r0yfuyou should always know that you have the right to say no! Just because the hospital has a “procedure” or a “policy” does not mean you need follow it. Better yet! Pick a hospital that recognizes the importance of mother/baby bonding, rooming in, nursing, etc.

 

This is the only chance you’re going to get to birth this baby.

 

by Robin Sparkles