Don’t touch that baby!!!

16 Jul
I’ve touched on this subject in passing before.  It’s one that really just pisses me the fuck off.  I can’t even explain it in words.disapproval_baby_meme

When I first start working with a couple who chooses hospital birth, I always talk to them about the standard policies and procedures.  We go over the basics, what’s going to happen when we show up, what to expect at triage, during the first couple hours, if things stall, blah blah blah.   At some point during this conversation, we also need to talk about what happens AFTER baby is born.  I would say about half the time, we need to talk about the “mandatory transition time”

What the Fuck does that even mean??? Seriously! A mom goes through hell to bring her baby into the world, regardless of how it all turns out, and the first thing many hospitals want to do is TAKE THE FUCKING BABY TO THE NURSERY!! WHY?

Do they not understand how absolutely absurd it is to separate an hour old infant from it’s mother?  Who gave them this fucking idea? Do they seriously not understand that the mother needs her baby? The baby needs it’s mother? Is that really a hard concept to grasp?  It shouldn’t be!

Oh my god my blood pressure is skyrocketing just thinking about this.  Seriously people, it’s pisses me off that fucking much.  I get that sometimes there are complications, sometimes babies truly are in need of medical care, ya I’m not a fucking idiot.  But! I also know that most of the time, babies are perfectly healthy and are better off with their mothers.  Me, you know, random doula without a medical degree.  I understand that babies and mothers are better together.

babythiefDo you know that one time a nurse actually told a mother they had to take the baby to the nursery because the lighting was better. Yep, that fucking happened!! Do they even understand why they are doing it? I mean, here’s a mother, just gave birth to her perfect little being, and the nurse comes in and says, ok we’re just going to go ahead and take baby to the nursery now.  Mom says no, and happy go lucky fucking nurse says, well baby needs to go there, it won’t be long.  UM, I’m sorry, are you hard of hearing? The child’s mother just said NO!!  You don’t get to take someones child from them without permission!  Ok, breathe!!

Holy fuck, I’m fired up!

Bonding, breastfeeding, nurturing, all of this needs to happen.  Do you know what does not downloadneed to happen? Bathing a newborn.  Ya, I said it! Your reason for wanting to take the baby, doesn’t make fucking sense.  I also had a nurse once say something about needing to clean off the vagina juice, because vagina’s are dirty.  FUCK YOU!!  This baby was created from a single cell inside this woman’s body, and it came out her vagina, and there is a reason it all happens that way, so back the fuck off!!

Dear L&D Nurse,

You do not have more say in the care of a newborn than it’s parents.  Get off your high fucking horse.


Robin Sparkles

by Robin Sparkles

2 Responses to “Don’t touch that baby!!!”

  1. yumadoula July 30, 2013 at 7:29 pm #

    OMG. The angry politically insensitive doula voice in my head is a real person! I love you.

  2. Jennifer Van Doren Hughes December 5, 2013 at 12:13 pm #

    Just found your site so I’m getting to this late but had to share what my rockstar doula did about this subject.

    So we had an accidental home birth (oops!) with my doula (who was a badass) and about 14 EMTs (who did zilch) and decided to transfer b/c the placenta wasn’t coming. EMTs wheel me in with baby nursing in my arms and the staff runs up with the stupid baby incubator and yell “GIVE US THE BABY!!!!.” and I”m all. “Uh. No.” and they look kind of shocked and go away.

    Baby hangs with daddy, while doula and my OB helps me deliver the placenta. Now me, doula and baby are in admitting while Daddy handles 16,000 sheets of paperwork I’ve already filled out. Nurse comes over and says brightly “Ok! Time to take him to the nursery.”

    Me: Uh. No, he can stay here with me.
    Nurse; But that’s what we do. we have to bathe him.
    Me: (starting to get anxious …) Uh …
    Rockstar doula: (to me) Do you want him to be bathed?
    Me: (to nurse) I don’t want him to be bathed.
    Nurse: But that’s what we do.
    Rockstar doula: (to me) Do you want to speak to a supervisor?
    Me: (to nurse) Can I speak to a supervisor.

    You can bet your sweet unicorn-riding ass that they did not take my baby.

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