What the fuck is a doula?

24 Mar

Some dictionary defines “doula” as “a woman experienced in childbirth who provides advice, information, emotional support, and

physical comfort to a mother before, during, and just after childbirth”. Yeah, that pretty much nails it. Yay, the end!

But really, hold the fuck up a second. Doulas are the shit. And I’m not just saying that because I am one.

Doulas are so passionate about what they do, that they’ll work their asses off without complaint for what very well could only be a couple bucks an hour. They are there for you 100% even when they have their own shit going on. Most complete extensive training and continuing education to be awesome at what they do. They make it their very serious personal goal to help you have the very best birth outcome possible; one that you’ll look back on happily and proudly. Doulas fucking know their shit, and they do their best to make sure you make healthy decisions that you won’t regret like that time you smoked that…never mind.

From the moment they are hired until after your baby has been born, they are officially your birth bitch. When you call them during dinner with a frantic question (“I just pissed myself at Rite Aid, is that normal?!?”), they pick that goddamn phone and answer you. Because they care that fucking much. Because they LIVE for this kind of shit.

No, really. We do.

This woman you have hired willingly puts herself “on call” for you for what could be an entire month (or more), during which she never strays far from home, has to be able to run out the door fully dressed and smelling decent within 10 minutes flat, and practically begs for 7:30 am Sunday morning telemarketer wake-up calls because she never, ever turns her ringer off.

Not to mention that she has to remain sober at all times. Even though she may have two or three rabid offspring under the age of five and a borderline unhealthy relationship with $6 Target wine.

Your doula will help you write your birth plan and make sure you actually know what the fuck a “saline lock” and “telemetry unit” are before you go in there and make a fool out of yourself (and her). She will help you outline your preferences and wishes for your labor and birth, even if they aren’t choices she would make for herself, without judgement. She’ll also guide you through making the Big Ass Decisions so you don’t fuck up and have your kid’s junk cut off or something stupid.

Your amazing rockstar superhero doula angel will stay with you through your entire labor, even if it’s days long. She will stay by your side while your baby daddy lies there oblivious and snoring and you work hard at bringing his mini-me into the world through your vagina. She will reassure you and build you up and tell you you’re a goddamned birthing goddess when you’re feeling done and nobody else has anything encouraging to say. She will say “yo, hold the fuck on a second” and give you a heads up when Doogie Howser M.D. tries to sneak something into your IV, or grabs his scissors and attempts to go at your vagina all Wolverine-style because it was NOT ON YOUR MOTHERFUCKING BIRTH PLAN.

In the midst of all of this, she will likely end up with at least two (and probably more) of your bodily fluids on her. And that’s okay, because she fucking cares about your birth that much. She cares so much that even though she’s probably super emotionally invested in you, she will hold it the fuck together if things go awry because she knows you need her to.

After your bundle of joy has vacated your womb, your doula will help you breastfeed. Isn’t that so completely badass of her? Even if
it’s the first time and you have no clue what the fuck you are doing, she will not leave until she feels like your baby the whole “sucking on a titty” thing down.

uJKjiAnd if that’s not enough…she will continue to be your bitch via phone for at least a few weeks, and come visit you once or twice to listen to you go on and on about how blissfully awesome not sleeping is AND  hold your brand new Shart-O-Matic 5000 while you go shower the infant feces off of you. You’ll reflect on your birth experience and never once hear the words “you had a healthy baby and that’s all that matters” pass your doula’s lips. We doulas HATE that fucking shit. She will be understanding, empathetic, and she will L-I-S-T-E-N with love and compassion, and without negativity or criticism. She’ll basically be the opposite of that vapid bitch you call your mother-in-law.

And if you’re still not convinced about how fucking cool doulas are…here, have some statistics:

  • 50% reduction in the cesarean rate
  • 25% shorter labor
  • 60% reduction in epidural requests
  • 40% reduction in oxytocin use
  • 30% reduction in analgesia use
  • 40% reduction in forceps delivery

All by just having a badass doula by your side. Like unicorns, we are  fucking rare and magical creatures.

Knocked up? Get yourself a doula.

Find a doula in your area: www.DoulaMatch.net

by P

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30 Responses to “What the fuck is a doula?”

  1. Cody September 19, 2013 at 5:35 pm #

    Oh my God, that was awesome. I maintain to this day it was my Doula that helped make my birth the amazing experience that it was.

  2. billfightr@aol.com September 23, 2013 at 5:23 am #

    An inconvenient fact. “Doula” is a Greek word that means “female slave.” My wife, a midwife of nearly 20 years came home chuckling one day. She had just delivered a Greek client when the subject of doula’s came up. The client was one of many that thought being a midwife would be a wonderful profession. My wife suggested that she start out by being a doula. The clients face twisted in confusion as she asked, “why would I want to be a slave?”

  3. Mel December 5, 2013 at 1:06 am #

    Best. Doula. Blog. Post. Ever.

    That’s all I’ve got. Perfectly written. Every bit true. Well done!

  4. Doula Chelsie December 5, 2013 at 1:38 am #

    I love you.
    I am a doula and every word, every. mother.fucking word of this is spot on.

  5. Candice Beck (@CBeckDoula) December 5, 2013 at 1:49 am #

    Yes!!!!!!

  6. adorebirth December 5, 2013 at 2:40 am #

    OH.My.Goodness! This is hilarious! Well done!!

  7. Postmodern Rachel December 5, 2013 at 2:43 am #

    Perfect and awesome. Please be my new BFF.

  8. MamaJoy December 5, 2013 at 5:19 am #

    Best fucking explanation EVER!

  9. jen December 5, 2013 at 9:22 am #

    Awesome. But you forgot to Mention that we also fart glitter and rainbows.

  10. theghettoMartha December 5, 2013 at 12:27 pm #

    I have been a doula for several years and LOVE LOVE LOVE your description. You made me so very fucking happy this morning.

  11. Justine @ All About Birth Boutique December 5, 2013 at 2:03 pm #

    This is the best definition of a doula that I have ever read! Now my family can understand what it is that I do. lol

  12. Ken December 5, 2013 at 2:28 pm #

    I love the word doula! And love what they do too! In this video are some doula’s helping with natural plants to curb hunger and malnutrition. Every doula should know Moringa. 🙂

  13. whencrazymeetsexhaustion December 5, 2013 at 2:41 pm #

    I had a doula with my second child, mostly to avoid another “unnecessary” C-section. I cannot tell you how that woman changed my labor–MY LIFE! She massaged my ass like a pro when back labor was getting the best of me, and she took pictures of me at my worst and made me look my best. I LOVE DOULAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  14. Kim December 5, 2013 at 3:27 pm #

    I absolutely love this post! You nailed it! I was cracking up while reading this extremely accurate description of how amazing doulas are. I had two great ones… so great, in fact, that I’ve decided to follow in their footsteps and become a doula myself!!! I hope I’m that awesome when I grow up 🙂

  15. Zoe December 5, 2013 at 4:24 pm #

    This is SO GREAT. I just attended my first birth as a doula last month and this is SO TRUE even when you’re just starting out.

  16. hilarylewin December 5, 2013 at 6:28 pm #

    Yep, sums it up nicely, well said that woman!!

  17. christine pearson December 5, 2013 at 7:45 pm #

    “40% reduction in oxytocin use” should be pitocin?

    • Jessica December 9, 2013 at 1:16 am #

      Pitocin and Oxytocin are the same things, just different names.

  18. Kayla December 5, 2013 at 8:33 pm #

    I think doulas are definitely awesome. BUT to those of you that are out there in this noble profession and are trying to reduce the number of c-sections…. Please try not to forget that some women CAN’T deliver vaginally. Please remember to make sure they are checked and are informed of the risks if they do have something that might prevent them from delivering vaginally. My son and I both almost died because my midwife failed to inform me of potential complications AND when I had complications still didn’t tell me what was going on. I wish I could have had a “natural” birth, but my son and I both became incredibly sick because I was not properly informed. So in stead of scheduling a c-section and bonding with my baby, I had almost 3 days of labor, almost DIED, developed a infection, AND my son was in the NICU and still has complications (a year later). So I am not posting this to bash anyone, just raise awareness so no one else has to go through what I went through.

    • janet December 6, 2013 at 2:39 am #

      Do you mind me asking what was the complication and why the doctor didn’t over rule a life or death decision?

  19. Beth B December 5, 2013 at 9:59 pm #

    I’m a doula and this is 100% true. And I really do care that much and I still cry when every single one of “My” babies is born.

  20. victoria Leith December 5, 2013 at 10:00 pm #

    I am a midwife. Doulas are ruddy awesome! Loved this post! You are indeed badass unicorns 🙂

  21. Chi Sherman December 5, 2013 at 10:06 pm #

    Absolutely glorious, and that compliment is coming from someone who is not pregnant, may never have kids (by choice), and not a doula. Well done! 🙂

  22. Ruby December 6, 2013 at 12:34 am #

    Love the point to this. But WAY too crude, I’m my opinion.

  23. April Z December 6, 2013 at 3:35 am #

    I am sure if I had a doula the first time I wouldn’t have had as many problems as I had. However, with this being my 3rd and final child (and I am broke as hell and a fan of epidurals) the doula thing for me is more of wanting to become one at this point.

  24. derb523622013 December 6, 2013 at 3:42 am #

    Loved this and it’s all absolutely true. But I’m of that generation which doesn’t use the bad words so much, and so did a lot of flinching with each of those words. Still, an awesome post about how much doulas love helping women have the births that they want.

  25. threebeedoula December 6, 2013 at 5:27 am #

    Great post!

  26. Sam, husband of a wife that used a doula December 8, 2013 at 3:35 am #

    Yes. This was the funniest thing i have ever read and 100% accurate.

  27. Tracey December 11, 2013 at 3:20 pm #

    I am a doula and that made me chuckle so much .Thankyou xx

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. What the fuck is a doula? - Birth Balance - December 5, 2013

    […] From the moment they are hired until after your baby has been born, they are officially your birth bitch. When you call them during dinner with a frantic question (“I just pissed myself at Rite Aid, is that normal?!?”), they pick that goddamn phone and answer you. Because they care that fucking much. Because they LIVE for this kind of shit. https://whatthefuckisadoula.wordpress.com/2013/03/24/what-the-fuck-is-a-doula/ […]

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